DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I live in the Northeast, where snowstorms are commonplace. Both of us are fortunate to have jobs that generally close in bad weather, so we have time to clear snow at our leisure.
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A friend of ours has grandparents who live in our neighborhood. They are relatively recent immigrants from a warm climate, and we have taken to shoveling their driveway and walkways whenever the weather warrants it.
This friend’s whole family has been very kind to us over the years, and I know they worry about these grandparents being too far away to reach easily in an emergency.
The problem is that whenever we shovel for them, they insist on feeding us until we’re bursting at the seams, and then sending us home with enough food for several more meals.
Because of a slight language barrier, I’m not sure if we’re adequately conveying that we do not need or expect repayment.
All of my grandparents are gone, and we enjoy doing something for this elderly couple and sitting and talking with them for a little while afterwards. While their gifts of food are appreciated (and delicious!), they are not needed.
Is there a gracious way to insist that we do not require such thanks?
GENTLE READER: Had these people offered to pay you, you would be right to be embarrassed, if not actually offended. But they are returning a kind, neighborly gesture with another kind, neighborly gesture.
Graciousness consists not only of doing things for others, but in accepting their efforts to do things for you.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a cute storage rack in my guest bathroom that holds hand soap and a stack of paper towels. But more often than not, guests will use the bath towels hanging on the towel bar instead.
I’ve even pulled the rack closer to the sink and put a used paper towel in the trash.
Any other suggestions to let them know that these are not for show, but to use?
GENTLE READER: Sadly, no. Miss Manners is embarrassed to say that getting guests to use the guest towels is the Great Unsolvable Etiquette Problem.
Whatever tactic parents use to bar their children from using the guest towels, it is infinitely more effective than their instructions to answer invitations, thank benefactors and eat in a manner that does not disgust others at the table.
You can remove the bath towels, but then guests will just wipe their hands on their clothes. Or worse, emerge unwashed.
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The only people whose guest towels are used are those who are annoyed about it, fancying that people should recognize that the towels are of such artistic value as to be clearly only for decoration. It is hard to say which is sillier: thinking that your towels form an art collection or that they are too good for your guests.
Pathetically, Miss Manners can only suggest that you call out “I’ve put towels in there for you” to any guest who walks toward the powder room.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
