DEAR MISS MANNERS: You must receive a lot of the same, or similar, questions. I’m just wondering: What are the most-asked ones?
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GENTLE READER: Well, they are not, as may be supposed, about which fork to use. That is a question posed only by people wanting to declare that manners are trivial. Such people tend to be consistent in not having any.
Miss Manners finds that people rarely ask about the correct thing for them to do. Rather, they want to know how to handle people who are rude to them. Her job is to suggest ways to counter this without more rudeness — or the popular alternative, violence.
There is also a topic that always shocks Miss Manners, but has become increasing prevalent: blatant greed.
People have gotten shameless about demanding money from family, friends and strangers alike. Even the ubiquitous gift registry, with its transparent whitewash, is giving way to the outright demand for money. Any occasion will do — birth, death and anything in between — as an excuse for begging.
It seems to Miss Manners that there are enough serious causes that need addressing before solvent people are justified in engaging in self-philanthropy.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Does everybody return unwanted gifts to the givers these days, or is it just my family and close friends?
For example, let’s say my sister gives me a plaster cherub with a clock in its stomach. Instead of hiding it in a closet and bringing it out when she visits, I’ll thank her (of course) and then hand it back.
Is that a refreshingly honest way of saving her money, or a rude rejection that saddles her with an errand?
GENTLE READER: It may surprise you to hear that not all honesty is refreshing. That is, you may feel refreshed if you tell your sister, “You have rotten taste and here is your stupid gift back,” but she is not likely to be.
Did your sister really give you a plaster cherub with a clock in its stomach? If so, Miss Manners still disapproves of the return, but she does understand the temptation.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was unfortunately not raised in the habit of writing thank-you notes, but I acquired the habit after my wedding. I enjoy writing them a great deal, and I like knowing that I’m showing my gratitude to those who do nice things for me.
But rather than feeling happy and appreciated for receiving a thank-you note, several friends to whom I’ve sent them say they feel guilty for not doing a better job of sending thank-you notes themselves.
I would very much like to continue this new habit, but the last thing I’m trying to do is make people feel bad. What should I do?
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GENTLE READER: Hope that your friends, like you, will use the experience to understand the value of expressing gratitude.
Miss Manners would be saddened to hear that the important lesson you learned about not ignoring generosity would be lost in an effort to relieve others of their guilt at not practicing this themselves.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
