DEAR MISS MANNERS: Returning to the United States after several years of living in Europe, I have noticed that “athleisure” wear is acceptable everywhere, and that wearing baseball hats in restaurants (done by people of all ages, races and genders) is now OK too.
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What happened? Can we blame COVID for this, too? Do I just need to get over myself and not judge others so harshly?
I feel like this should not bother me so much, but it strikes a nerve.
GENTLE READER: A number of things have happened, including these notions gaining dominance:
1. The desire for comfort. We all sympathize with this. But although notoriously uncomfortable clothes are still worn — stiletto heels, tight pants, for example — judicious shopping and tailoring can result in perfectly comfortable dressy clothes. Miss Manners would have thought that time in quarantine would have made people tired of pajamas and athleisure, but apparently not.
2. The new challenge to professional behavior (which was already slipping) by the concept of “bringing one’s whole self to work.” A newly widespread — and long-overdue — realization that personal life is important has had strange side effects on workplace behavior. One is the discovery that revealing the personal side of one’s life to colleagues does not always result in the kind of tolerance to be expected from friends. Nor do clients, customers and other such contacts want to deal with you personally when they are trying to deal with the workplace you represent.
3. The notion that there is something snobbish and elitist about dressing up. And yet everyone craves some variety. This is why people who have never dressed up go wild when proms and weddings provide an excuse to do so.
4. A distaste for seeming grown-up in a youth-oriented, ageist culture. Time was when children looked forward to wearing clothes associated with adulthood. No more. Adults are under the illusion that if they wear the same plainclothes as children, nobody will notice that they keep growing older.
5. The declaration that clothing choice is trivial, in comparison to global problems. Please forgive Miss Manners an uncharacteristic “Duh!” And yet, clothing is still an important cultural factor in our everyday lives. (See below.)
6. The failure to acknowledge that clothing is a symbolic system. This is the strangest one of all. Everyone will claim to dress solely for comfort (see above) or to express themselves. Still, clothing choices are limited, so that alleged self-expression takes one of a small vocabulary of forms. So while everyone denies using the symbolism, everyone is also busy reading the symbols to judge others.
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7. The failure to understand why a symbolic system is needed when it is what is inside the person that matters. Because it is so hard to see inside.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been sending birthday and Christmas gifts to my (adult) nieces since they were babies. I never get a thanks, or even confirmation that the gifts were received. Perhaps my efforts are better expended elsewhere?
GENTLE READER: Perhaps.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
