DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is getting married next year to a lovely person with whom I have a good relationship. They are currently perusing venues, although they are unsure how many guests they will invite.
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Would it be poor manners to send the couple a possible guest list for my son’s side, with tiers of importance — such as aunts/uncles, then cousins, and so on — so they can see what they’re in for if they move to the next tier?
My husband says they should just invite whom they feel closest to, but I see a problem with that — for example, if they choose three cousins but not all five.
My heart tells me it is their wedding and they can do what they want, but I’m not sure I can deal with the fallout of hurt feelings for the next 20 years if they decide to be choosy.
GENTLE READER: To whom did your husband offer his advice? If it was only meant for you — as a way of saying that the time for parental advice has passed — Miss Manners must disagree with him.
If it was meant for your son, then we instead disagree on what constitutes good parental advice.
Your son should be warned, if he does not already know, that you will not be the only one who has to listen to 20 years of hurt feelings if he distributes invitations capriciously.
As to ranking the relatives, this is best done verbally; if such a list were to be written down and inadvertently forwarded, 20 years would be a light sentence for the resulting storm.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband’s old boss and his wife invited us to join a local yacht club. Ever since we joined, the wife has been bubbling with snippy comments about my grooming and hairstyle, alluding to where I may have purchased my clothing, and making numerous misguided class-oriented statements.
She seems to have brought me into the club as a target, like a clay pigeon. In their eyes, we were good enough to be nominated and sponsored, but now that we’re in, I’m considered an “improvement project” by these elders.
I have tried to generously assume the differences are generational (80s vs. 50s) or cultural (I’m not alcoholic, but the sponsors are markedly so).
She’s made the club a lot less fun by biting my ankles. My husband insists the chiding will go away in time. I see no end to my sponsor’s backhanded comments, though, and no longer find the scene so charming.
Is there a way to trim my sponsor’s snippy commentary without reminding her that alcohol makes her a poor host?
GENTLE READER: Let’s also avoid telling her that alcoholism is a “cultural difference.”
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The problem is actually not one of culture or generation — you have a problem of rank. The husband was your husband’s boss, and they were your sponsors at the club. Both incline you to be not just deferential, but grateful.
Miss Manners does not believe that the wife’s rudeness cancels out past kindnesses, but you are now equals — as members and adults. You should not feel obliged to spend time with them if it is a burden.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
