DEAR ABBY: A while ago, as I was standing in line at the grocery store, a young woman with seven or eight items tied up the checkout process by leaving her groceries on the belt, and then running back to grab something she forgot.
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It happens. I get it.
She was buying name-brand food items, among them an $8 jar of spaghetti sauce. She used the last of her food stamp card, paid some cash and was still short of money to pay for her purchase.
Since I was next in line, she looked at me and waited. The cashier and bagger (who appeared to know her) stared at me as well, waiting for me to cover the difference.
I often help people when I can, but this was a rare time I couldn’t because my only income at the time was $150 in food assistance. I suppose I could have helped by showing her the 99-cent sauce that was on sale, and the store brand of mac ‘n’ cheese, etc., but I didn’t.
The hostility from the customer and the food store workers was becoming more overt as the minutes ticked by. The bagger finally pulled her credit card from her wallet and paid the balance for her.
I have since felt torn by this situation and wonder whether I was right or not by refusing to pick up the rest of her tab.
— UNSURE IN ARIZONA
DEAR UNSURE: Somehow I doubt this sin of omission is going to consign you to hell. Your guilty conscience is punishment enough.
To pay someone’s food bill is a kind gesture, but it is not an obligation. You couldn’t afford it at the time. Let it go.
DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband for 30 years. We have a 26-year-old son, “Isaac.”
My son is difficult, but my husband never listened to me when he was young — when we were supposed to be shaping him.
Now my husband doesn’t like the person Isaac has become. He blames Isaac for every problem in our marriage, which is a bigger problem than Isaac is.
My husband is a good provider but a terrible listener and communicator. If I even remotely suggest he does or did anything wrong in our marriage or with our son, he gets defensive, starts a fight and then blames me.
I’m the loneliest married person alive. I always feel like I am caught in the middle. Please give me some advice.
— AT AN IMPASSE IN MICHIGAN
DEAR AT AN IMPASSE: At 26, your son is an adult. At this point, you can’t change the person he has become. Because your husband now dislikes him (you said Isaac is “difficult”), quit defending him.
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The marriage you have described is not a healthy one. Your husband is more than a terrible listener and communicator; from your description he is also a bully.
I might have suggested marriage counseling, but I’m 99% certain he will refuse if you raise the subject.
You have a right to be happy. I seriously doubt you will be if you continue living with this man. Consult a marriage and family law attorney and ask what your rights would be in the state of Michigan were you to separate or divorce so you can make an informed decision about your future.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
