DEAR HARRIETTE: I am currently in a state of distress. While my wife and I were arguing, our house caught on fire.
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She had lit the gas range, and she left it unattended after I expressed my intention to break up with her.
The consequences of our argument have escalated beyond what I could have imagined, and I am overwhelmed by the destruction that has occurred as a result. The events that transpired have left me feeling guilty, shocked and unsure of how to move forward.
I realize that our actions in the heat of the moment have led to a devastating outcome.
How can I address the damage caused by the fire, mend the rift in my relationship with my wife and find a way to move forward from this crisis?
— Out of Control
DEAR OUT OF CONTROL: First things first: You must deal with the aftermath of the fire.
Do you have insurance? Find out what, if anything, you can do to restore your house to a habitable condition. Work with your insurance company and your wife to determine how to address this immediate need.
Sit down and speak calmly with your wife about the future. Why were you wanting to leave? Is it something you two can work on and possibly mend? If so, and if you are willing to make the effort, ask if she will try as well.
If you are past reconciliation, be honest and suggest that you work out a plan for handling your affairs and moving on.
Now is the time to be responsible adults, to speak to each other with respect and to carve out a way forward.
DEAR HARRIETTE: Adoption seems to be the only option for my seven-year marriage to work.
My wife is unable to bear children due to polycystic ovary syndrome, and this has put a strain on our hopes of starting a family. We have explored various options, but adoption appears to be the most viable solution for us to fulfill our desire to become parents and strengthen our bond.
I really don’t know how to approach the topic of adoption with my wife.
How can we support each other through this process and ensure that our decision to adopt is a positive and fulfilling experience for both of us?
— Our Only Option
DEAR OUR ONLY OPTION: First, allow yourselves to mourn the reality that you cannot have biological children. You need to accept that truth in order to move past it.
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Knowing this reality, talk about your options. Remind your wife that you two have always wanted children, and you still do. Introduce the idea of adoption as a solution. You can care for a child who desperately needs the love and support you have to offer and build your family.
Research adoption agencies in your area to learn about the process. Share your findings with your wife, and give her space to think about it. Suggest that you have an in-person meeting with an adoption agency to talk about the process.
It may take time for her to warm up to this option, but with love and patience, she may be able to consider this lifeline to growing your family.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
