DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have noticed a trend about how women compliment each other that I find really insulting.
Related Articles
Miss Manners: When I intrude upon a stranger’s marriage proposal, should I keep walking?
Miss Manners: Am I crossing the line by looking in her window?
Miss Manners: Is her table setting practice weird and unclean, or am I too fastidious?
Miss Manners: A stranger at the restaurant tried to use me to teach manners to her kids
Miss Manners: He plays jokes on service workers, then declares they have no sense of humor
I have had people say to me, “You’re pretty” or “You have nice skin.” I thank them and forget about it.
However, a few times, women have said to me, “Your makeup is so pretty,” or “Wow, you really know how to apply makeup well.”
I think I am attractive without makeup on, but I like the more polished look it gives me. Complimenting a woman’s cosmetics is akin to saying, “You’re probably only attractive because you’re wearing makeup.”
Am I wrong to feel insulted?
GENTLE READER: Yes, but only because you have not recognized that attitudes about makeup have changed.
At different times in history, the wearing of makeup has been blatant, secretive and everything between. In the 18th century, among those who could afford it, it was blatant. In the 19th century, secretive. In the 20th century, semi-secretive, as a lady might admit to powdering her nose but not to reddening her cheeks.
And now — it is really blatant. Celebrities and influencers go public with so-called hints or detailed instructions about makeup application. Frankness about enhancing one’s appearance has extended to admitting to plastic surgery. Movie stars will appear at glamorous events with the roots of their dyed hair untouched.
Therefore, those admittedly awkward compliments are not about your beauty but about your artistry. You are not obliged to give a cosmetics tutorial, but Miss Manners does not believe that you have been insulted.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an employee of a state government. There are times when we employees are asked to donate cash towards a gift for a co-worker (on the occasion of a death, marriage, catastrophic event, etc.).
I don’t mind donating on these occasions. What I am questioning is the manner in which gifts are solicited.
Some requesters will ask everyone in the office to donate. Whether one donates, and the amount, is up to the employee. Other requesters, however, keep a list of each person who donates, and the dollar amount given.
Because this information is not included in the envelope containing the final donation (I checked), I believe that this method of bookkeeping is unnecessary and potentially unkind.
Additionally, I was taught that it is impolite to count other people’s money. It could be that a person gave $1 because that was all they could comfortably give.
GENTLE READER: So your colleagues are compiling records of the amounts that their colleagues donate. To what purpose?
Related Articles
Dear Abby: Is it time to shuffle the sleeping arrangements?
Ask Amy: The younger brother is in a snit over our wedding plans
Harriette Cole: I called her Fatso, and that finally shut her up
Miss Manners: When I intrude upon a stranger’s marriage proposal, should I keep walking?
Dear Abby: If your house is on fire, you get a pass. Everyone else should be at the party.
Perhaps because they can easily guess your income, they are comparing the amount you gave with what they believe to be the amount you should have given. Not only is this not nice, but it is probably not accurate. They are not likely to know the extent of your financial obligations or of your philanthropy.
Miss Manners would strongly suggest asking why these records are being kept and, if necessary, saying that you will contribute privately.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
