DEAR MISS MANNERS: Yet another Mother’s Day and birthday have come and gone with no gift from my husband.
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What’s worse, to me, is that he has done nothing to show our two little boys how to acknowledge Mommy on any special occasion.
On many occasions over the years, I have told my husband point-blank that I don’t care if he just takes the boys to the drugstore to pick up a tube of lip balm for me. I don’t care if they draw a picture, bring home a seashell, paint on a rock or pick some flowers. But to no avail.
I am a strong, secure, educated, independent middle-aged woman, not some teenaged girl looking for attention from a boyfriend. But I am not happy with the example he is setting for them in this regard.
Of course, being entirely insensitive, he believes that I am completely ridiculous, and just flips out on those rare times that I dare to share my feelings.
My heart is just plain old sad. I don’t like feeling so unimportant to the three most important people in my life. I don’t even know what to do at this point.
GENTLE READER: Fortunately, Father’s Day is just a month away.
No, Miss Manners is not suggesting that you devise some way of getting even then. On the contrary, you should use the occasion to coach those boys into making a fuss over their father — not for his sake, but for theirs. As your boys are little, gear it to something they can handle by themselves: perhaps a short, prepared speech of appreciation and a homemade present.
Your husband may well not appreciate it; there are people who find such holidays silly and distastefully commercialized. That is fine, but it does not excuse his disregarding your feelings.
Next spring, you can remind your boys of the kind appreciation they showed their dad, and gently hint how happy you would be to feel some, too.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do I need to tip at a restaurant that has a service charge? It seems like paying twice for the same thing.
GENTLE READER: Actually, you never need to tip (which is not to say that you shouldn’t).
Nominally, the system is voluntary. It depends on two common emotions: shame and empathy. Shame, because tipping is expected, and you don’t want to look cheap. Empathy, because you feel for people who are hardworking and underpaid.
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Furthermore, Miss Manners is offended by the argument some restaurateurs use to justify extra charges: that if they were to build the cost of labor into their prices, as other businesses do, customers would not stand for the increased amount. Arithmetic was never her strongest subject, but even she can figure out that whether the charge is built into the price or added as a service fee — or factored into expected tips, which could be larger than the fees, but could also be skipped entirely — the cost to the customer is the same.
You are right that a service charge, if not accompanied by a no-tipping policy, is double dipping. You are absolved from feeling shame if you do not then tip, but Miss Manners never wants to discourage empathy.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
