DEAR MISS MANNERS: This happened to my husband at the grocery store:
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It was raining, and a row of dripping-wet shopping carts stood in an area near the door. Customers could take a cart, then use the paper towels that were helpfully left there to dry them off before entering the store.
My husband dried his cart, but before he had a chance to wheel it inside, a woman (dare I call her “Karen”?) entered the area, snatched the cart away from him, and said a breezy “Thanks” while taking it inside to do her own shopping.
Husband said he was so shocked he didn’t say a word, just took another cart to dry for his own use.
When he told me about this later, I shared Husband’s shock at Karen’s brazen cheekiness. Of course she was right to thank him, but she also seemed quite presumptuous to simply grab a cart he’d dried off.
We wondered what you think. Was this an opportunity to correct Karen’s behavior? And if so, how? Or should he have just turned the other cheek, as he did?
By the way, I think Husband is great to do the shopping. And if that lady had the manners to ask first, I am certain he would have just given her the dried-off cart.
GENTLE READER: No, don’t you dare call her Karen. If we are to consider manners, consider how rude it is to use a respectable name, which graces many innocent people, as an insult.
But you can call her rude.
There is a glaring gender problem here: While deference to a lady in such a situation is not required, it is often presumed. Miss Manners commends your husband for resisting the temptation to respond rudely.
She does not necessarily commend him for buying groceries, however, as he presumably consumes them just as much as you do.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sweet husband has severe foot issues and absolutely cannot walk without his custom orthotics inserted into his shoes.
Every once in a while, we are invited to the houses of friends who ask that shoes not be worn inside. My husband cannot accommodate this request.
Do we decline these invitations? Do we call first and explain our situation? Perhaps you have another suggestion.
GENTLE READER: Unless your hosts have a baby who licks the floor, in which case they should be dealing with that problem, Miss Manners believes they should be able to accommodate this reasonable request.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: In casual conversations — as with librarians, cashiers or other people who are helping me, but whose names I do not know — I will say things like, “Yes, ma’am,” and “Thank you, sir.”
In situations where it is not easy to discern which form may be appropriate (or whether either would be welcome), I find myself simply saying, “Yes” or “Thank you.” This doesn’t feel polite, but I don’t want to address someone in an unwelcome way.
Does Miss Manners have a non-gender-specific form of address that shows respect without the risk of causing offense?
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GENTLE READER: Didn’t there used to be an expression, “Sir or Madam, as the case may be”? How about reviving it, or coming up with something similar?
Maybe not.
As long as you keep “please” and “thank you,” Miss Manners will let you skip the titles in cases of doubt.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
