DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a family member with whom I have a challenging relationship.
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I go out of my way to be civil and polite, but also to keep my distance. (Avoiding her completely would mean declining all family gatherings.)
She singles me out for catty behavior, and is outrageous, but not insulting, to others. This dynamic has been going on for decades, and I am under considerable pressure from the rest of the family to ignore it and not rock the boat.
One of her standard jabs is to bring me a gift with an insult attached. Due to a health issue, I was unable to work out for several months, and she loudly and publicly presented me with an oversized muumuu because I was “really packing on the pounds.”
I enjoy gourmet cooking, and can make those fancy meals come out just like the pictures in the magazines. My dinner parties are very popular, and I am often asked to cater for friends’ special occasions. This relative gave me a beginner’s cookbook for kids with a note hoping it would “finally help me learn to cook.”
Likewise, my love of reading inspired her to present me with a collection of board books for toddlers.
I am out of patience with her nonsense, offended to a point where I am afraid I will say something I am not proud of, and fully aware that I will be seen as the bad guy if any sharp words are exchanged.
How does a polite person respond to repeated insults in the form of gifts?
GENTLE READER: No doubt this family member is just waiting for your insulted reaction. Deny her the pleasure.
Before you open her next present, say, “Oh, Cousin Melanie, what are you getting me this time? A mop for my dirty house? Some hot sauce because my food is bland?”
Better yet, Miss Manners suggests you wait to open her presents until you get home and then write her a gracious and sincere thank-you letter. That will surely drive her crazy.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: One expression is starting to get to me. Last year, three significant people in my life passed away: my best friend and two members of my immediate family. Everyone has expressed to me their “condolences” — end of story.
It sounds as if they are uncomfortable and this is the way to deal with their discomfort as quickly as possible. I would prefer “I am truly sorry” or “I know this must be very hard for you.”
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Am I being too sensitive? Only my lawyer stated, “I can only imagine how hard this must be for you,” and I was very grateful for that sign of empathy from one person.
GENTLE READER: “Please accept my condolences” is the correct thing to say. But just as “thoughts and prayers” has been edited down to two robotic words, people seem to think that just the one word is sufficient.
Miss Manners is glad that at least your lawyer knows how to convey a more human and sympathetic statement. She must be good at her job.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
