DEAR HARRIETTE: Your advice is usually sensible and thoughtful, so I was surprised by your advice to “Bad Skin, Tender Heart,” the woman whose mother-in-law made cruel comments about her acne.
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Your first suggestion is to find out what’s going on with her skin? The mother-in-law’s comments are the problem!
She should firmly tell her mother-in-law not to remark on her skin, her husband should do the same and they should limit their contact with her if she continues.
Even if not intended, your message was that if her skin were better or her MIL understood the problem, she would be nicer. That shouldn’t be the case.
— Think Twice
DEAR THINK TWICE: Thank you for your comments about my response to the woman who was being bullied by her mother-in-law. You bring out a crucial point that I absolutely did not address well.
No matter what is going on with the daughter-in-law, it is not OK for the mother-in-law — or anybody else — to comment on her appearance. That should have been my first and more important point.
You know what they say about unintended consequences. Here’s a moment where I thought I was addressing the writer who is suffering from a medical condition and wanting to help her in that way when what I should have addressed first was the inappropriate behavior — which is why she wrote to me. Thanks for pointing that out!
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have recently become part of a new social cooking group, and while I have been enjoying the sense of community and shared passion for food, I have noticed that some members have been sharing my recipes and personal cooking techniques online without my consent, just changing up small details like switching basil leaves to onions.
While I appreciate their enthusiasm and excitement about my creations, I value my privacy when it comes to my recipes.
I would like to find a way to address this issue with the group without making it a big deal. Women tend to gossip a lot, and I do not want to be labeled harshly.
— Recipe Sharing
DEAR RECIPE SHARING: Now is the time to speak up and be direct about your thoughts.
Tell your new friends how much you enjoy cooking with them and learning and growing together. Point out, though, that you noticed that some of them are posting your recipe hacks on social media — with a twist here and there — and you do not feel comfortable with that. You thought that this cooking group was a safe space to explore and grow together. But you do not consent to having your recipes appear in a public forum.
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This could cause a bit of a ripple, but if you don’t say something, you may regret it.
Encourage the group to check in with each other in general before posting recipes unless they are uniquely their own. Consider if you would be up for a cookbook or online cooking forum where you all post your creations. There is a way to remedy this and not completely shut down the draw to post.
There need to be boundaries around attribution and permission to post.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
