DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend asked for advice on how to deal with a neighbor asking her to be quiet.
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My friend, who is in her 60s, recently moved into an apartment. She met a neighbor who asked if she was an early riser, and she responded “yes.” The neighbor then told her she was too loud on the stairs and that she used the bathroom too often. The neighbor likes to sleep in, apparently.
My friend said she would be more mindful. She holds on to the railing when she walks down the stairs, and takes them slowly, but they are made of concrete and metal. They make noise. And she can’t change her bathroom usage to accommodate the neighbor.
What is the proper response if she is confronted again? She is trying to be a respectful neighbor.
GENTLE READER: Being neighborly means managing behavior — and expectations — on both sides.
If the phrasing of the initial meeting was as reported, then your friend was already mistreated when told, rather than requested, to modify her (necessary, normal) behavior.
A neighbor who is disinclined to be civil is best kept at a distance. If a literal distance is not possible, then a polite coolness — and excusing oneself quickly from any future chance encounters — will have to suffice.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve always tipped restaurant servers, hairdressers, pizza delivery drivers and manicurists, of course, understanding that most of these positions do not pay very well and the person is likely living off tips more than salary.
Within the last year, however, I have been told in several different ways, some not very subtle, that I should also be tipping the cable company technician who comes out to correct static on the line, the HVAC technician who gives my system an annual checkup, the appliance repair person who fixed my dryer, and, most recently, the plumber who came out to unclog a bathroom sink.
In all of those circumstances, I paid the company in question a significant fee for the service, and the person they sent out was in a company vehicle, wearing a company uniform.
I assume they are making a decent salary — probably more than I make as an administrative assistant, in many cases.
Are we supposed to be tipping everyone who provides any service now? How can I determine who is supposed to be tipped and how much they should get? What if I cannot afford to tip, say, an appliance technician after I’ve already paid his company over $300 for the work he did?
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Do I need to explain that I can’t afford to tip them, especially when they are standing around after the job, making small talk, obviously waiting for something from me?
GENTLE READER: There are less generous words for the behavior you describe than “tipping,” but Miss Manners agrees that it is not reasonable to expect a gratuity (not one of the words she had in mind) for services rendered by salaried, professional service people.
A detailed explanation of why you cannot afford to provide a gratuity is not going to make the moment any less awkward. But you might mention it in the inevitable follow-up survey, in case their bosses were unaware that their customers were being shaken down.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
