DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m in my early 30s, and for as long as I can remember, I’ve dreamed of having kids.
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My husband, however, is not on the same page — he’s made it clear that he’s not ready for children and may never be.
I tried to respect my husband’s feelings, but as time passed, my anxiety about waiting grew stronger. Eventually, I decided to freeze my eggs at a fertility clinic — without telling him.
I felt like it was the only way to give myself the option of having children in the future without pressuring him right now.
At first, I thought I could keep this secret, but the guilt is becoming unbearable. I’m worried that if I tell him, it will hurt our relationship or even break us apart, but hiding this feels wrong.
Should I be honest with him about what I’ve done, or is it better to keep this to myself?
— Guilty Conscience
DEAR GUILTY CONSCIENCE: You need to tell your husband. Expect that he will be upset, and use the time to let him understand how serious you are about having children.
Know, however, that he may feel like you broke the trust between you as you knew going into the marriage that he didn’t want children.
Tell him your intention was not to dishonor him, but, because you are still a young couple, you believe there is a chance somewhere down the line that you both will want children. You understand your own biological clock and wanted to ensure that you were ready, should the time come.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My wife and I have been married for 19 years, and while we have a strong relationship, I can’t shake the feeling that the romance is fading.
The rift between us started when she got a promotion at work. Suddenly, she began acting like she calls all the shots, even at home, which feels emasculating.
To add to the stress, I recently lost my job and have been job hunting; with five kids to care for, we’re both feeling overwhelmed. We’re so busy managing our responsibilities that we barely have time for each other anymore, and I really miss the excitement we used to share.
I want to find a way to reconnect and reignite the spark in our relationship. What’s the best way to approach this conversation so we can communicate openly without feeling pressured or inadequate?
— Romance Revival
DEAR ROMANCE REVIVAL: Changes in employment can definitely shift feelings of power at home. Combining that with a shift in how much time your wife has to devote to you given her new schedule and you having more time at home due to your new situation can certainly lead to less time for intimacy.
Instead of searching for words, pivot a bit by choosing to do something romantic.
Plan a date with your wife, even if it is at home, where you cook the meal and tend to her. Tell her how much you miss her and are excited about spending this moment together. Take things slow, and let her see that you appreciate her and want to be together.
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Arrange for your children to have something else to do so that you can be alone for a period of time. Be together with no pressure. Give your wife space to unwind and be at ease. If she wants to talk, invite her to share her feelings, and you do the same.
But if that evening is just for closeness, don’t do so much talking. Reserve the conversation for later, and enjoy the moment.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
