DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a “friend” who contacts me only when she needs something.
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She will text or call, acting like she wants to check in on me and then, like clockwork, she almost immediately tells me about something that she is doing and how I can support her.
I didn’t figure out her pattern for some time, but now it is obvious to me. Sometimes I don’t have a problem with it, as I like to help people, but it’s clear now that she isn’t really a friend.
I’m having a party soon and making the guest list. It is not a large event — mostly close friends. She is on the periphery of this group. I don’t really want to invite her, but I know she will find out about it.
Should I add her to the list just to avoid hurt feelings?
— Guest List
DEAR GUEST LIST: If your party is for good friends, review the potential list of attendees and cross off anyone who doesn’t fit that category — period. Why add her if she doesn’t deserve to be on the list?
Unless you feel there is some political reason why you should invite her, don’t. You need to draw the line about who deserves to be in your inner circle.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I was in a clandestine relationship with a guy for most of this year. We hit it off after meeting on the street. We had a lot of fun together, but I always felt like I was putting forth more effort than him.
One day I confronted him about not being more responsive, and he said that if I wanted to be with him, I had to accept that he sometimes doesn’t turn on his phone and can go MIA, and too bad if I don’t like it, that’s how he is.
I was taken aback by his comment. He accepted no responsibility for not being attentive. That’s when I stopped being as available to him.
Recently, I got fed up with him not answering my texts or calls for days on end and called it quits, but I realize that I miss him. We did have a lot of fun together when we were talking or in each other’s company.
Should I reach out to him and ask to get together? I’m not sure if I can be OK with what he is willing to give since I am a little bit needy. Do you think I can get him to see the value in paying closer attention to me?
— Missing My Guy
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DEAR MISSING MY GUY: Your letter brings up a lot of questions: Why was your relationship clandestine? Why did it have to be a secret? It seems that he was always elusive. You tolerated that for some time, but ultimately, it turned you off.
What makes you think he will change if you go back? Has he demonstrated any behavior that shows you he is willing to adjust to make you happy?
If you are willing to accept him on his terms and be prepared to have fun with him when he is available, call him. Otherwise, cut your losses. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
