DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter was recently part of a wedding party, acting as a flower girl for a relative of my ex-husband.
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My ex and I were still married when the bride asked for my permission for this, and I agreed.
The bride asked me for a photo of my daughter to put on a wedding website. Concerned about privacy for my young daughter, I asked if the website was going to be public. She said it would be password-protected and only accessed by the wedding party, so I sent her a photo.
I also asked the bride to use my daughter’s full, correct name (think “Mary Ann”) anywhere it appeared; my ex-husband’s family and friends all began calling her (e.g.) “Mary” years ago, ignoring my requests to use her full name. The bride agreed.
The wedding took place 10 months later, after I had left my marriage. I was not part of the event, nor had I expected to be.
Shortly after the wedding, I learned that the website was public and easily accessible. My daughter’s picture was public, along with her first and last name — and the bride had used Mary instead of Mary Ann.
I asked my ex-husband about this, as he has made it clear that our daughter’s privacy is important to him. He said he knew nothing about the website, though he had been sent a password to access it. He offered to ask the bride, after her honeymoon, to make the site private and correct our daughter’s name. (For privacy, I don’t think the bride should have listed children’s last names at all.)
I know the couple has been back from their honeymoon trip for at least a week, and yet nothing has changed on the website.
Should the bride have honored my requests, both for the privacy of the website and the use of my daughter’s full name? Or did my divorcing her relative relieve her of that responsibility?
GENTLE READER: The privacy request, yes, she should have. The name change, no: If the rest of the family is using the short version, it will feel quarrelsome to insist. And since one of your contentions is that you do not want your daughter’s full name used anyway, it is an odd argument.
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Miss Manners suggests, instead, that you write a kind note to the bride saying that the wedding looked beautiful and that Mary Ann had a wonderful time, but that if the bride could please double-check that the website is password-protected, you would be grateful.
The fact that you, who were not a guest, could easily find and access it should quell any contention that it was private.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
