Dear Amy: I’m a 35-year-old man. My wife and I got married in our 20s, and immediately plunged into being “parents” to her niece, who moved in with us just before her 10 th birthday.
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We raised her on our own and in my opinion did a really good job.
Our niece is now out of the house, and we have mutually agreed that we don’t want to have children together.
I am enjoying this stage of our lives. We are both successful in our professions and are physically active on the weekends – hiking, biking and skiing.
My wife has seemed down lately. She is picking at me over things that didn’t bother her before.
We finally had a heart-to-heart, and she said she wants to have an “open” marriage.
She laid out the ground rules and essentially said that if I didn’t agree to this, she would cheat on me. I definitely do not want to do this.
I feel trapped and don’t know what to do next.
Your thoughts?
– Hurt and Confused
Dear Hurt: I think your wife is likely already cheating, and is now trying to retroactively get you to agree to it.
Even if this is not the case, she has presented you with an unacceptable non-negotiable.
Preserve your dignity and get in touch with a lawyer.
Dear Amy: I’m a mid-50s mother of adult children. I have healthy relationships with my folks, siblings, children and my loving partner.
All that said: I crave being alone.
I have never lived alone. I lived with my family, then in dorms, with roommates, with a spouse, then children. I divorced but had kids at home, developed a new loving relationship, merged households, and now the kids are grown and all doing well.
The world may be going to hell in a handbasket, but I am grateful that my tiny corner of the world is happy and healthy.
I am a brand-new empty nester and that has thrilled me — because I get to be alone more.
I love my partner and family, but I want to be fully and completely alone in my own home for weeks on end. (I am not talking about downtime or a weekend away.)
My job is such that I could arrange to be alone for one to three months, but I feel like my family would be so hurt!
I share a home with my partner so they would need to leave – or I would. I could afford this option.
It has nothing to do with anyone but me. I just want to live in isolation for a while.
Any advice on how I might broach this with those I love and those who love and need me? I’d like a script to explain that it’s not them, it’s me!
– Modern-day Greta Garbo
Dear Greta: Every year for the past 15 years, I have spent one month alone – isolated and away from family and friends – and so I well understand this distinct drive.
Women of our generation tend to be the “kinship” keepers, and once the chickens leave the roost, the desire to take stock and perhaps not see to anyone else’s needs for a while can be very strong.
But you don’t have to ask permission of your children or other family members to be alone. They are all adults and they are going to have to come to terms with what might seem like a quirk to them, but which is a real need for you.
So, no script is necessary. You’re trying something new (and – if your folks are healthy and toddling along – the time is right for you to do this).
Did you take it personally or feel hurt when your children left home? You didn’t, and they shouldn’t, either.
You and your partner could work this out in any number of creative ways. You might rent a place nearby where you trade off living in the house for two weeks at a time, perhaps spending an occasional night together.
Dear Amy: “Superstitious” wondered how to get rid of a wedding band from his previous marriage. The ring had really bad mojo.
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As I was driving away from my cheating husband, I yanked off my gold wedding band and threw it out the car window.
It made the most beautiful ringing sound as it hit the curb.
– Free at Last
Dear Free: Many readers did not agree, but I do contend that sometimes you’ve just got to fling the ring.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
