DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been feeling deeply misunderstood and unfairly judged within my family, who are from the Philippines.
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There seems to be a belief that because I am the eldest, I am always wrong. This assumption has created a sense of frustration and resentment within me. It feels as though my opinions and desires are consistently dismissed or invalidated simply because of my birth order.
Additionally, there is an expectation that I should always put my siblings’ needs before my own, even if it means sacrificing my own well-being and happiness.
This pressure to constantly “magparaya,” or give way to my younger siblings, is emotionally overwhelming and suffocating to continuously prioritize their needs over my own, without any consideration for my own desires or aspirations. It leaves me feeling unseen and undervalued.
It is also important for me to establish healthy boundaries and find a balance between caring for my siblings and taking care of myself. What should I do?
— Unseen and Undervalued
DEAR UNSEEN AND UNDERVALUED: You are grappling with cultural norms and traditions from your Filipino culture as you attempt to exert your independence.
Inherently, there is conflict, especially since it seems you come from a traditional family. To break from tradition, you must be ready to be estranged from family members, at least for a while. They may not understand your desire to be more visible and to forge your own way.
If this is what you need, prepare yourself to separate from the family unit, make your own path and establish your life. This will be difficult and may require you to physically move.
Over time, you may be able to become strong as an independent person and rekindle family bonds, but it will take time.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am currently struggling with a phobia related to gunshots and police sirens due to childhood traumas.
When I was a child, I experienced instances where my father would bring conflict into our home, and it has left a lasting impact on me. As a result, I have developed an intense fear and anxiety around the sound of gunshots and police sirens.
These triggers take me back to those traumatic experiences and cause significant distress. It has reached a point where these sounds disrupt my daily life and affect my overall well-being.
Harriette, I am reaching out to seek your advice on how to overcome this phobia and find peace. How can I manage these triggers and regain a sense of safety and calm?
— Phobia of Gunshots
DEAR PHOBIA OF GUNSHOTS: On a practical level, I ask if you currently live in a safe neighborhood. While no area is immune to potential violence, some are safer than others. Especially given your past, you should put yourself in a well-protected location with security.
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Beyond that, now is a great time to get a therapist who can walk you through your childhood experiences and help you unpack what happened and how it impacted you.
You must face the incidents that occurred with your father. No matter how frightening they were, when you examine them and determine what happened and why, you may be able to relieve some of the overarching pressure that you are feeling right now. Get help!
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
