Dear Amy: My eldest daughter is 15. She is a sweet girl, has friends, and does pretty well in school. Her dad and I love and like her.
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She takes basic care of her clothes and her room, but about once a week I go into her room and basically straighten up. She knows I do this because – well, she sees the result when she gets home from band practice.
My question concerns her diary. She usually leaves it peeking out from under her pillow, and sometimes on top of her bed.
Lately I’ve been reading through her diary. I haven’t seen anything too alarming (or even very interesting), but I’m wondering if what I’m doing is wrong?
My whole family reads your column, and we talk about your questions and answers at the dinner table sometimes.
I’m curious to know what you think about what I’m doing?
– Wondering Mom
Dear Mom: I think that what you’re doing is wrong. And so do you.
How do I know? You answer this ethical question yourself when you ask: “I’m wondering if what I’m doing is wrong?”
If your teenage daughter told you she was eavesdropping on a friend or family member and asked, “I’m wondering if what I’m doing is wrong?” you would wisely answer: “If you are wondering enough to ask this question, then I think you already know the answer. Step back, reflect on your actions, and respect others’ privacy – just as you expect others to respect your own.”
The only justification for reading your teen’s diary is if you have credible evidence or an obvious concern that the teen might hurt herself or someone else.
Being curious about your daughter’s inner life is not a justification for prying.
Dear Amy: Six years ago, my two adult stepdaughters confronted us with their “concerns” that their mother and I knew that our 17-year-old son smoked marijuana.
We did know about his pot use and clearly explained the steps we were already undertaking in getting him the help he had recently requested.
Our stepdaughters immediately alerted the Department of Child & Family Services.
A conviction would have destroyed our professional careers and seriously damaged our family’s future.
Agonizing months later, our case was dismissed, and the charges were characterized as unfounded.
This betrayal led to familial estrangement from the stepdaughters.
Our son, now 23, is doing well. My wife understandably wants her other offspring back in our lives.
I have encouraged my wife to pursue reconciliation. I do not share this interest. (Independently, neither does our son.)
My wife is pressuring me to partake in the perilous voyage of reconciling with her daughters. I would prefer being keelhauled.
Please share your reflections on this possible mission impossible.
– Dismayed
Dear Dismayed: Alerting DCFS set in motion a very serious set of circumstances for your family. From your narrative, this choice to “hotline” you seems extremely overblown. I wonder what else your stepdaughters might have seen or perceived that doesn’t fit into your narrative, and if your son was taking risks that are genuinely more alarming than that of a teenager smoking pot.
The only way to find out about their motivations and to describe the impact on you and your family is to communicate with these women.
People do sometimes issue false reports to DCFS in order to punish family members; this is a very serious issue in that it breaks apart families, and also absorbs time and resources that would better be used to investigate actual situations that involve at-risk children.
I hope that in this case your stepdaughters were overreacting and naïve about the impact of their choice.
It’s good that you are encouraging your wife to reconcile with her daughters. She should not force you to join her immediately, but I hope you would be open to a gradual thaw.
Much of what happens next rests on the behavior of these women; obviously they owe you an apology and an understanding and sincere reckoning concerning the impact of what they set in motion.
Dear Amy: “Unappreciated Tipper” wanted the wait staff to express appreciation for his generous tips.
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As one who was trained to be a waiter in five-star restaurants, I should point out that courtesy and privacy are key items in the training and that you should not look at the tip until the customer is out of the building, in order to avoid bias, good or bad, anytime they return.
– May I Take Your Order
Dear Order: Thank you for passing along your wisdom.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
