DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is an appropriate and polite response to a compliment that I know is disingenuous?
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And upon receiving such a compliment, am I required to return one that is equally disingenuous?
I ask because someone I know invariably compliments me on something I’m wearing, my hair, etc. I’m not a stylish person and my hair tends to be a mess.
Her compliments have the consequence of making me feel self-conscious, looked-over and, ultimately, lied to.
GENTLE READER: The safe answer is, of course, “Thank you,” which Miss Manners points out can be delivered in a way that subtly undercuts the literal words.
Mind you, she does not recommend such an approach. The point about ambiguously delivered compliments is that they are ambiguous — and can be misread.
Better to return genuine thanks to someone who appreciates messy hair than to insult someone who does not.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I have a new home, which is an exciting milestone.
When we attended a dinner with my brother, his wife and her parents, the latter spent nearly half of the evening’s conversation asking when they would be invited over to see the house. They also took my phone hostage to see photos of the house.
It was way beyond polite conversational interest in our new home. They are generally nice people, but their persistence at trying to get inside our house is uncomfortable.
How do we politely deter their attempts to invite themselves over, just so they can poke around every room and closet?
We may eventually have them over, but I want it to be on our terms and not because they wore us down.
GENTLE READER: “We’ll let you know” puts the initiative back where it belongs. But Miss Manners suggests that next time, you do not have your cellphone available during dinner.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have had a primary care physician for many years, but I never really liked his style.
I am relatively healthy, so it never mattered much. But now I am retirement-aged.
When I was sick recently and asked for a same-day appointment, my usual doctor was out, so I was seen by a different doctor. I really, really appreciated her approach and her common-sense advice!
I’d like to switch doctors, but I wonder if I owe my longtime doctor an explanation, or perhaps a “thank you” for our years together.
I also worry I will cause a problem for this new doctor, as they are in the same practice.
How shall I handle this? I never run into either doctor outside of office visits, so I would not run the risk of an awkward encounter.
GENTLE READER: Do you not also worry that your old doctor will think that his patients and his new partner are conspiring behind his back?
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Miss Manners mentions this not because you are conspiring, but because you should be.
Explain the situation to the new doctor, not the old one, and elicit her assistance. Between you, it should be possible to concoct a reason for the switch that is reasonably accurate but, more importantly, will assuage any hurt feelings.
Then, when you break the news, you should indeed thank the old doctor for his long service.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
