Dear Eric: We have a 39-year-old son who works in commercial real estate but has been out of work for 10 months.
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He has told us he is very depressed and has been for years now. He ran out of health insurance and refuses to get any further therapy.
He has told us that it will take at least a year for him to find another job. He has not communicated with me for at least nine months and will not return any communications when I reach out to him. He has only talked to his mother three times since then.
My wife and I are at loggerheads with regard to how much financial support we should give him. We are supporting him to the tune of $5,000 a month. This will, over time, erode our retirement funds. We are both 75 years old.
I have offered to continue to support him, but he must seek therapy, which we will gladly pay for. He also needs to let us know whether he plans to stay with this profession, look at another field, or further pursue more education, which we will be happy to pay for.
My wife thinks we should continue to support him even though he will not speak to us about his intentions. I don’t agree. Your thoughts would be helpful.
– Supportive Parent
Dear Parent: You’re being incredibly generous and it’s hard to fault you for doing everything in your power to help your son. However, your son’s actions show an unwillingness to participate in his own recovery, which raises the question of at what point does support become enabling?
Your son’s depression may be so intense that he feels there are no options for him, but you and your wife are providing a plethora of options. He might resent your input, but that resentment hasn’t stopped him from cashing your checks. So, he’s got a choice to make.
Hold the next payment until he sits down for a frank conversation. Be clear with him: You love him, you’re concerned for him, you want to help him. He can’t keep accepting your money and not communicating with you. It’s disrespectful and it doesn’t work for you.
It isn’t that he owes you a relationship in return for your money, it’s that you are in a relationship and he’s abusing it. He needs to figure out why and make amends.
If you and your wife decide it’s worth it for your peace of mind to continue supporting your son, I strongly encourage you to reduce it to a level that won’t endanger your futures, especially considering he’s not a dependable support.
Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for 11 years. When we got married, he was slightly hard of hearing. The past few months his hearing has gotten worse to the point that I have to raise my voice and repeat several times for him to hear me.
He then accuses me of shouting at him and says if I didn’t mumble he could hear me. He further states that’s why I can’t get the TV voice remote to work, because I mumble.
I did finally get him to go to a hearing specialist who tested him for hearing loss, which it was determined he has for female and children’s voices. He refused hearing aids.
I know this is a serious problem and a sensitive issue. However, it’s very nerve-wracking for me.
I love him very much. I just want to help him. I don’t want him to be embarrassed when out in public. Could it be that I am a mumbler?
– Accused Mumbler
Dear Accused: Not guilty. Your husband is having an understandable struggle adapting to this change in his ability, but that’s not an excuse for him to take it out on you.
Our responses to the facts of life, particularly with regard to our bodies, sometimes defy logic. After all, logic doesn’t always meet our emotional needs. And your husband thinks he needs someone or something at which to direct his frustration.
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You can help him and help your relationship by – to use a colloquial phrase – saying the quiet part out loud. In an unheated moment, tell him that you understand his frustration but that it doesn’t help either of you to be in conflict. Even if you do mumble, his hearing loss is a fact.
This isn’t about the remote; it’s about your relationship. You two can either sit in silence or you can take steps together to fix this. And then ask him what he wants to do.
If you’re in a bargaining mood, you can promise to try to speak up if he promises to wear a hearing aid. But whatever happens, he’s got to stop taking his frustration out on you.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
