DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been feeling really hurt and frustrated lately with one of my closest friends, and it’s causing a lot of tension between us.
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For a while now, I’ve noticed that she wants to hang out with me only when her other friend is busy. It’s like I’m her backup plan, and I can’t help but feel like a second-class friend.
Whenever her other friend is around, she barely makes time for me, but as soon as that friend is unavailable, she’ll reach out as if nothing is wrong.
I’ve tried to brush it off, but it’s starting to really bother me. I feel like I’m being used, and it’s making me question our friendship.
I confronted her about it recently, and instead of understanding how hurt I am, she got defensive and said I was overreacting. Now we’re not speaking, and I’m not sure what to do.
I miss our friendship, but I also don’t want to feel like I’m someone’s second choice. How do I handle this without feeling guilty for wanting to be treated better?
— Second-Class
DEAR SECOND-CLASS: Open your eyes and start looking for other friends.
You are relying too much on this friend to be your one and only. She has shown you already that she chooses this other friend over you. You know this. So stop hoping she will treat you differently and consciously work to expand your friend group.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother is turning 90 this year, and we are absolutely thrilled. As we have been planning her birthday celebration, it has occurred to me that I want to be sensitive to my friends who have lost their parents in recent years.
We all grew up together, so I want to invite them to attend her party, but I don’t want to remind them of their own losses.
My family and I feel so blessed to have our mother still and want to make this the happiest time for her and everyone who joins us. How should I handle this?
— Love and Loss
DEAR LOVE AND LOSS: First of all, blessings to you and your mother for reaching this milestone.
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Conflicted feelings about this celebration are understandable, so it is wise to proceed with tenderness. That said, I’m sure that your friends would be more hurt if you did not include them in your invitation list. If they and their parents were integral to your mother’s life as you grew up, they will appreciate the gesture.
You may approach them by saying that as you have been preparing to honor your mother, you have been reminiscing about the wonderful memories of times spent together. Call upon a poignant memory that makes everyone smile. You can even invite them to come to the party prepared to share some of their stories, if they would like. This consciously includes them in the celebration.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
