Dear Amy: I am a financially responsible and secure 24-year-old woman. A few months ago I discovered that I am pregnant.
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The father of my baby is my long-time boyfriend “Tony,” who I have been with exclusively for a couple of years.
Well, Tony is now my ex-boyfriend, I guess. He became very upset when he learned about this unplanned pregnancy (I was upset, too), and told me he would not have anything to do with the baby, and said that he would demand a paternity test.
My dilemma now has to do with his parents. They are nice people and I’ve known them for a couple of years. Tony has said that he won’t tell his folks about the pregnancy until after the birth and paternity is established.
There is no question that he is the father of this child, and I believe his folks should be told about the pregnancy. I don’t want anything at all from them, but I assume they would want to know about the prospect of their first grandchild coming into the world.
My folks know and are very supportive and happy.
I’m wondering what you think I should do.
– Unsure
Dear Unsure: I think you should let them know about your pregnancy.
Their son might be panicking – he is definitely being a prize jerk about the prospect of becoming a father.
He has the right to have the baby’s paternity verified, but given that he has at this point walked away from parenthood, you have sole responsibility for this unborn child, which means that your judgment regarding disclosure should prevail.
People do sometimes work their way back to accepting and enjoying their parenting relationship once the dust settles, and an honest, healthy and positive relationship with your child’s grandparents might help Tony to accept his child.
It is vital that you receive accurate legal advice regarding your mutual rights and responsibilities as parents before the child is born. Singlemothersgrants.org offers a comprehensive state-by-state guide to financial and legal assistance available to moms without partners.
Dear Amy: Here we are, just past the beginning of the new year, and my resolutions are already flagging. I usually make a few promises to myself, write them down, and then feel like a loser as I don’t follow through.
I’d like suggestions about how to keep my resolutions. Maybe you and your readers can help?
– Unresolved
Dear Unresolved: I’d describe my own process as “ongoing,” which means that I am engaging in a never-ending hunt for self-improvement. I’ll pass along a few tricks that have worked for me.
Take baby steps. That resolution to lose 10 pounds is too vague and open-ended. “I’m going to eat vegan three times a week” or “No alcohol during the workweek” are achievable goals. If you are working on decluttering your life, start with one bureau or surface and take pictures of your progress.
Find and use technology that motivates you. I’ve been using a “Couch to 5K” app for the last several months that prompts very gradual improvement. Podcasts and audiobooks are great fitness companions (thank you, Barbra Streisand, for writing a great book that is also 970 pages long).
Pay yourself first. Work toward your goal in the morning, if possible. The sense of accomplishment will set you up for a better day.
Make the path smooth. Lay out your sneakers and workout gear the night before, so you see them in the morning. If you choose a gym, make sure it is easy to get to and that parking is available.
Stack your habits. “Habit stacking” is a way to bind habits you already have with habits you’d like to acquire. For instance, for every cup of coffee you drink, also drink a cup of water.
Go easy on yourself! If you fall off your goal for a few days, don’t give up and walk away (2025 is NOT just around the corner!). Instead, forgive yourself, adjust your goal if necessary, and lace up those sneakers.
I’d love to run further advice from readers.
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Dear Amy: “Wondering” asked about marrying her fiancé, even though she “doesn’t like” his “sullen” 13-year-old son.
Whoa – thank you for standing up for that kid! Two decades ago, I was a sullen teen with a hostile new stepparent. Thank goodness my dad was in my corner. The marriage was brief, but we were solid.
– Survivor
Dear Survivor: It’s important to be aware that kids essentially have no power over the choices of the adults in their lives.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
